A Wonderful Christmas

2 days after Christmas day and I am still exhausted. Work is slow, so in my boredom I began to think of why this Christmas was just so wonderful. I mean, it had to be wonderful if I am still feeling so worn from it's greatness. 3 main things:

My brother
Long story short. My family has had a hard time in the later part of this year. We are lucky to have my brother this Christmas and we are lucky that he is doing well. One of the things that made my Christmas day was to see him happy, smiling, excited, and functioning like normal. There is no telling how the rest of his life is going to be since he was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Schizophrenia in late October, but we are hopeful we will work together as a family to what is best for him. Also, after I opened my gift from him, I realized that he was able to get out in some stores and do a little Christmas shopping and pick out things himself. He has such a big heart and wants so badly for all of us to be happy. I love you, bubba.

My sister
I have never met my half sister. She is 11 years older than I am and until last Saturday, I had never spoken to her. She contacted our Father and then asked for me to call her. We had our first conversation on Christmas Eve. Amazing. I am looking forward to meeting with her and building a relationship with her that we have both missed out on. She seems just as excited as I which makes the whole situation even better.

My Clint
This was our first Christmas together and it was exciting and wonderful. We met a few days after Christmas last year, so we just missed the Christmas boat. So one year later, we are happy, we are young, and we are in love. He has been there for me through tough family times and I hope I have supported him whenever he needed it. His family is wonderful and I love my new life.

Emotions are high and there is still so much to come this following year. I hope everyone's Christmas was as amazing as mine and have a wonderful and safe New Year.

I love my real life.

Update to running a marathon. I didn't train and I am not running in the marathon. I am known to be a very realistic person and after serious contemplation, I realized that my inability to jog a mile was not going to turn into the ability to jog 13 miles in a matter of 4 weeks. It may seem weak, but that's too much pressure to put on oneself especially during the holidays. I am going to set a more realistic goal...like be able to jog a mile period.

I have a lot of faith in myself and my capabilities, but I have a very realistic idea of my capabilities at the same time. I believe in pushing myself emotionally, physically, intellectually, and creatively and any other descriptive word ending in -ly, but come on. If I have a bad knee and my lungs can't handle a quarter of a mile, then why take the chance of injury to myself physically and emotionally. I want to be able to run a mile. I'll work on that and then I will work on the next mile. However long it takes, I will do it and I will do it carefully and smart.

My boyfriend thinks I am a worrier and that I am too cautious. But that is who I am and I love that I am the careful one. Just because I worry and I am careful does not mean that I am not adventurous. I have been skydiving, I hike, and I rock climb. I definitely don't live like a hermit. I just have a good sense of reality, a good sense of my surroundings, and a great sense of outcome and expectations. I can and I love to dream, but I live a real life too. I love my real life more than any unrealistic figment of my imagination.

MEMO:

I think my addiction to coffee is causing my excrutiating headaches. This may be in combination with my financially inept boyfriend who wants help but doesn't really want help when it comes down to the reality of it. I guess taking out a loan to pay your cell phone bill is a much better idea then what I could ever come up with....whatever.

I am going to get another cup of coffee.

Just started reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. So far, I can tell that I will enjoy it although I am only still in "Italy." I have not made it to India or Indonesia yet but I will get there shortly. Gilbert is very clever and showing a great sense of humor when looking back on herself.

I have felt that I need to make some changes and delve into my soul a lot more lately. I hate feeling like something major is missing in my life even thought I have so much. I love the people and "things" in my life but feel I do not have something in which I feel entirely passionate. I need to be passionate about something and cannot decide what that is. I have ideas and I need to just make the attempts.

Yesterday was day 1 of marathon training. My friend, Jeri, asked me if I would be interested in running in a half marathon in December. "Why not?," I asked myself. Sounds like something I could be passionate about...or at least occupy my time until I find out my passion. Plus, I will lose weight. Not a bad deal....So, Day 1. Yesterday. The training schedule Jeri created requires 1 mile on Day 1. Piece of cake.

Whatever! Jeri has already ran a full marathon, which is 26 miles! Me? I cannot even lightly jog a mile without having to stop 4 times to walk a little. Plus, I had the worst tension headache right after the jog. Pathetic. I have until December 9 to be able to get through 13 miles. Tomorrow is Day 2 of the "official" training schedule by Jeri and I think it is either 1 1/2 miles or 2 miles. I think I may try the mile again today on my own.

Ann Coulter is a Lunatic!

The following article was was copied from http://politicalticker.blogs.cnn.com/. It's about Ann Coulter opening her big fat mouth again. Do people really support the crap that spills from her face? I am in awe that someone so openly hateful can be a best selling author. Come on people! Who is buying her crap? Is it really worth supporting her psychotic diatribes?

WASHINGTON (CNN) – Conservative commentator and best-selling author Ann Coulter may find herself in the midst of a controversy for comments Monday suggesting America would be better if everyone was Christian.
Asked by CNBC host Donny Deutsch what the U.S. looks like in her dreams, Coulter said it would look like the Republican National Convention in 2004
"People were happy,” she said, according to a transcript provided to CNN by CNBC. “They're Christian. They're tolerant. They defend America." (Video: Watch Coulter's comments on CNBC)
When Deutsch responded, "It would be better if we were all Christian?" Coulter said "Yeah."
Deutsch, himself Jewish, continued to press Coulter on her remarks, asking, "We should just throw Judaism away and we should all be Christians then?"
"Yeah," Coulter responded, adding "Well, it's a lot easier. It's kind of a fast track."
"You can't possibly believe that," Deutsch responded. “You can’t possibly. You’re too educated.”
"Do you know what Christianity is?" Coulter replied. "See, we believe your religion, but you have to obey. We have the fast track program."
Later in the interview Deutsch asked Coulter if she doesn't want any Jews in the world, Coulter responded, "No, we think — we just want Jews to be perfected, as they say."
"Wow, you didn't really say that, did you," Deutsch said.
Read the rest of this entry »

cheddar pepper war

It is Wednesday. The highlight of my day has been picking up lunch for the office and it was a highlight obviously becuase I was able to leave the office. Boredom is the key word for today. Playing on myspace can only be entertaining for so long before I feel like I'm stalking everyone who has better things to do today other than waste company time. The clock for today's countdown is broken...it has to be. This day is inching by. My sanity is inching by. My boredom is consuming my proactiviness today. Proactivity took a day off today without letting me know...jerk.

My cheddar peppers are laughing at me. I ordered them with my grilled chicken sandwich and felt guilty afterward. I still haven't eaten them because of my aweful guilt. Now they sit and laugh. They taunt me. They brought their friend Buttermilk Ranch with them...jerk. Yet I haven't thrown them away yet. The cheddar pepper war will occupy my endless countdown.

Stronger

It's monday. I am listening to Kanye West's song "Stronger." Great song. Respect the talent not necessarily the person. I may not agree with his famous blubbering, "George Bush doesn't like black people," but that is how he felt and the circumstances at the time did seem so. Just because the statement may have been "inappropriate" to some and can be said to be not "politically correct," I can respect that there is someone out there who is willing to speak his mind without fear of ridicule from peers and fans. Didn't the same thing happen to the Dixie Chicks?

People are so eager to jump to point the finger at the person who stands up against the norm and masses. We call them stupid, disrespectful, and probaby many other rude and not politically correct terms, while we are weak because we are following others rather than our own hearts.

We have Freedom of Speech in this country, but when people exercise their right against what is "acceptable" freedom of speech, we persecute. It's obvious that a melting pot country is going to have people with contradicting ideas, hopes, and dreams but doesn't it come down to a matter of respect? If there is no violance, why do so many people jump to say people can't say what's on their minds? Speak your mind. Share you heart. Don't be afraid of what your next door neighbor will say about your words. They are words. Although words can be a very powerful tool, words are only as powerful as you will let them be.

If you don't like what someone is saying. Ignore them. Pretty simple right?

Kanye West has a really good message if you really listen. Think beyond the obvious.

Remember To Take It Step by Step

I find that there are some things I do that are just too literal. I enjoy taking photos of me and my lovies to remember where we have been. But I literally want to remember where my little footsies have traveled. My friend in the second photo with me thinks its a bit strange, but a small little joke has turned into a tradition for me. Where have your feet been?

My first photo with my feet in the sand was Georgetown, Cayman Islands. The middle photo with my not so literal friend was taken on a Mayan Ruin in Costa Maya. The third photo was taken in the Wichita Mountains in Lawton, Oklahoma while waiting patiently for my turn to climb.

I'm excited for my next foot photos!

Your Cheerful Outlook is One of Your Best Assets

Written May 27, 2007 (from another journal of mine).

"your cheerful outlook is one of your best assets."

Well, at least that's what my most recent fortune cookie said. It was not tasty by the way. Probably the worst fortune cookie I've ever had and I really don't even like the cookie of a fortune cookie…just the fortune. I normally keep the good fortunes. Actually, I keep even the not so good fortunes too. I just like them in general. I have a small collection in my desk at work. I never look at them. They just sit in there. Maybe I hope that if I keep the fortune it will actually come true. I wouldn't know if any of them had come true since I don't remember what any of them said. I am hopeful for things and I don't even know what I am hopeful for. So what's the point?

I am fighting a battle and don't even know it sometimes. When I actually take the time to sit and reflect, I always realize it. Sometimes I continue to ignore it and other times I try to help myself. One side of me is fighting to be "cheerful"…it is one of my best assets I have been told. I attempt to present myself as strong, opinionated, optimistic, somewhat intelligent, humorous, fun, someone others can depend on. I attempt to do things on my own and portray myself as independent. I want to listen and give good insight when asked. I want to laugh and smile.

Then there is the "me" that is and has been trying so hard to be a part of my life. This person is so sad and wanting approval from everyone. She feels as if she can make no one happy and all her efforts are worthless, minuscule, insufficient, mediocre. She is dark and a bit twisted and afraid to show it. She can be hateful, rageful, and full of jealousy. Envious. Selfish. Bitter. She is lonely because she feels like no one could really accept or understand her. She is tired. She doesn't want to hear you whine. She is sick of caring. This person can never reveal herself. She is weird. She is wrong. I do not like her. I do not accept her. Sometimes I want to.

I am hopeful to keep myself sane. I am hopeful to keep myself happy. I am hopeful to keep myself motivated. I am hopeful I will figure out my life. I am hoping I won't figure out my life. I am hopeful my headaches will go away. I am hopeful I will be cheerful. I am hopeful for things I do not yet know. I guess that could be a good point. Getting to know my hopes.

I used to have many hopes. They were childish…but real. I gave them up. I visit them sometimes. In the shower I still sing. I thought I was good once. I realize I was just mediocre. I still watch the old singing videos every so often and remember a time that I believed "I could do it." More than anything, I just wanted to play the piano. Still do sometimes. A pianist is an amazing thing to me.

I wanted and sometimes still claim to want to be a writer. I am definitely not good enough. I am unable to delve into my emotions. I can only go so far. I fear the weirdo will emerge. There was a time that I wrote a lot. Poetry. The weirdo was a part of it. The meds sent her away. No one is allowed to read her work. Sometimes I will read the old poems and wish I could be emotional without being sad. Maybe another life.

My new hope. The most important. To be loved. Regardless. To be liked. regardless. To be true to others and me. To enjoy all things good and bad. To learn all things good and bad. To be truly confident and not for show. For balance. A good life and finding out what I good life is according to me.

Oh, the relief

Paper number 2 is submitted. Only 2 more to write and I am done for the semester. The relief of finishing a paper is so wonderful. Even if I feel like it is not the greatest paper, I am still relieved that it is done. Last week, I worked on a paper for three days and I could not figure out why I was having such a difficult time wrapping my brain around the topic and just let myself write. I felt as if the paper was definately not my best. When I received the grade back, I found the the professor seemed to like it quite a bit and gave me a grade that was far from my expectations. I was happy and relieved. I hope to do as well on the next papers. Happy writing!

Dead Week

Who came up with dead week? Obviously, it was not someone who really had anything worthwile to do in school. With four papers due, and not a single one really started, I am in major disagreeance that this is going to be a "dead" week. I do this to myself every semester. I have multiple projects to complete at the end of the semester and question my ability to get any of it accomplished. Either I am setting myself up for major disappointment or trying to give myself obvious reasons for praise. Whichever way, I will either be dead from exhaustion or dead from failure to complete the tasks. So, it really will be a dead week in the end.

Required Health Insurance

I was watching CNN this early Sunday afternoon, while I ate my Sunday morning breakfast, when I came across a topic that sparked an interest. I can't remember the state representative's name off the top of my head right now, but he was from the state of Massachussets. Apparently, the state has recently passed a state bill requiring all of its residence to have health insurance. At first I strongly questioned the motives, justifications and methods the state would use in requiring all residents to have health insurance. after listening to what the rep. had to say in his explanation, I began to support and like what the bill had to offer and how the new bill would be implemented. I am going to research more about it, but I would suggest that everyone look into it, because it seems that if it will work in Massachussets, then state and even the nation may implement the same ideas in the future.

What weekend?

You know that feeling when you leave work on a Friday afternoon and you actually somewhat dread the weekend ahead of you???? Not because of what is planned but because of everything that is planned.

I left work on Friday feeling incredibly overwhelmed and exhausted. I had a horrible day and week and realized how unhappy I am with my job....then I remembered: My roommate has two houseguests from France staying with us, it is my roommates birthday, I have a friend who is in town for the weekend whom I have not seen in months ( and truly miss), a boyfriend who wants to spend time with his friends and not mine (even though mine are only in town for the weekend and his live here), a bike rally/poker run my boyfriend wishes to participate, another friend's birthday, homework, papers, and studying and emotional outlet time...there is just not enough time for all.

I feel horrible because I don't feel like I was living every moment. There were so many great things going on this weekend, but the idea of getting to the next thing made me not fully enjoy the now...I can't stand it when I do this. I didn't get to see Tiffany from Austin and I do not know when she will be back, I enjoyed dinner with Bridget and friends but wished I could have stayed out later, and the poker run was fun but I was so tired and worried about the homework I had to do that day.
I did not get to hang out Friday with Marlene, Laurine, Bridget, Tiffany, Mandy, etc. like I had planned and wanted and ended up crying myself to sleep (alone) for other reasons. I woke up angry Saturday and forced myself to get up and shop for Bridget's birthday, which made me feel a lot better. I also got to make up some time with Bridget (on her birthday), Marlene, and Laurine with breakfast and some group girl shopping. I feel really guilty about that evening because, while at Makers, I did not get to conversate and catch up with an old friend like I had planned and wanted becuase I dedicated in pleasing the birthday girl and boyfriend. and on top of all this, I never even called the other friend to wish him a happy birthday. And, I never did any homework, writing or studying. Also, I knew that another friend that I love dearly, was neglected by me. She was alone this weekend, missing her husband, and I never once got around to calling or going over to check up on her.

I feel as if I have been a bad friend and person for all the little things that I did not accomplish. What is the point of getting to big things if the little things are forgotten; a simple happy birthday to Michael, a little how are you doing to Yukino, a few minutes of catching up with Tiffany while she is sitting in front of me, a few minutes of visiting with friends down the street with Mikey instead of feeling sorry for myself, and leaving Bridget early on her birthday in order to get to bed because I know I have to get up early in the morning????

I feel like such a jerk and I apologize to those I have neglected in my selfish rush for seemingly bigger things.

did you miss me?

So, I have not posted on this blog in quite some time now...my apologies. In honor of "missing", as in things, I will let you know what is going on in my advanced comp class. Our first essay was due this evening/morning, whichever you prefer, and the topic was to write about a favorite show we watched growing up. well, there are many choices in which I know many of you share, such as the obvious, Saved by the Bell, Full House, Family Matters, Friends, and so on and so on. I decided to with a show that actually I am embarrassed to admit, I loved and still enjoy...Dawson's Creek. I was a Dawson junkie. I even was nerdy enough to throw Dawson Creek season premier parties and season finale parties, what is even funnier is that I had dorky enough friends that actually showed up and salivated through the show with me; god, we were such losers!!!! So, in preparation for this essay, I went to the official Dawson's Creek website, which I was shocked to see is still in existence, and found most memorable lines. Oh the memories that poured out of me while reading through some of these. Here is one for your tastebuds:

JEN: Look, Joey, you know, now that the proverbial wedge we so fondly refer to as Dawson Leery is no longer between us, we could actually be friends. I know -- I know, it's a bizarre concept, but we might find that we have something more in common than just the boy next door. Okay. Or not.
JOEY: We don't have to like wash each other's hair, or do each other's nails, do we?

What is up with the big words they used? I never fully understood what the hell they were talking about half the time. ok, ok. one more. do we all remember the dorky Breakfast Club spoof they did? great stuff but so not at the same time:

DAWSON: This is so "Breakfast Club".
JEN: "Breakfast Club"?
DAWSON: You know, the John Hughes movie where the five kids are stuck in detention all day...
JOEY: Yeah. At first they hate each other, and then they become really, really good friends.
JEN: Oh, yeah. That movie stunk. Yeah, whatever happened to those actors?
DAWSON: Well, Anthony Michael Hall got some kind of weird thyroid condition, Molly Ringwald lost her gawky ingenue appeal, and the rest are languishing somewhere in TV obscurity.
PACEY: No way! Emilio Estevez, he was in those duck movies, remember? God, those were classics! So funny. What?

I loved Pacey.
I hope you all have enjoyed. What are some of your favorite shows growing up?

A State of Mind

Is love a state of mind? I have always questioned how it is that we come to know that we love someone. Is it out of obligation, routine, or is is actually something larger than we could ever understand and we just succumb to this gripping idea of LOVE and loving someone else and even letting them love us in return?
Love was never a word that was often spoken in my household growing up, but it was at the same time, something that was always felt. I don't ever recall my mother or father expressing the actual world "love" to me until after I had already moved out of the house at age 17 and started college; even then, I do believe that I said it first. I could tell that the word coming out of my mouth was shocking and maybe a little uncomfortable for my mother and father and very suprising to me. I never realized that saying the word would be so trivial and tremendous all at one moment. One moment that I think has defined me ever since.
To this day, I have a very difficult time expressing the words vocally towards people I "care" about. I feel overhwelming discomfort and anxiety at the thought of knowing that I will need to reciprocate such expressive vocabulary. I have always had friends that felt it was normal and a part of everyday life to say "I love you" whether they are getting off the telephone, saying goodbye after lunch, or even writing it in an e-mail...all just to say "I love you." I believe I have said it more to friends in habit of reciprocation than I have said it to my own parents in my lifetime out of genuine gratefullness. But, I know with them, that they know I do love them.
How can we expect people to always know that we do love them? How do we know it is the right time and right person to express such a small yet incredibly powerful word? I have heard over and over again that "you just know." So, I am teaching and encouraging myself to trust in my own instincts in the matters of my feelings, even though I am probably the worst at expressing what I know is filling my heart. I have so much love inside of me to give out to all those that I know love me, but I hope my actions filled with love are enough until I figure out how to say "love" without someone saying it to me first.

Let Nature Take Its Course

Nature definately took its course and made my tiny getaway a big success. We had no idea that it was going to snow this past weekend and we were so pleased that it had. The ambiance of this cabin permeates you as soon as you pull in the dirt road entrance. The imagination is proven true to all of its anticipation as soon as we open the door and step into a cozy warm country home with its cinnamon and spice air. A definate success, a perfect little overnight or weekend retreat, and a place to feel like you are home away from home. The inability to use our cell phones, the cabinets and refrigerator stocked for our taste buds, and a crackling fireplace to accompany you as you read a book from the wonderful collection supplied in their bookcase. A strong recommendation from me anytime and I know I will return soon.

A little R&R at a little B&B

Oh, I am so excited about tonight! I have reserved a little log cabin north of Luther for the night. It is a 3 story log cabin, out in the sticks, with horses roaming the property, and a wrap around porch with little rocking chairs. It is through the Horseshoe Inn in Guthrie and I think it is going to be wonderful. I think the temperature will be getting down into the teens tonight, so the rock fireplace is going to be so nice to sit in front of. Another thing that makes this little love nest so nice is that the host of the B&B will come out the following morning and serve brunch. She also leaves food and snacks at the cabin for the evening. I will definately let you know how it all really is and get some pics.

Grey's Anatomy

I love Grey's Anatomy. I love it more than Desperate Housewives. The episode tonight was especially gripping with the bomb in the cavity, Bailey refusing to give birth because her husband is being operated on by McDreamy, the chief having an anxiety attack, and Meredith possibly dying!!!!! wheewwww. That is a lot. Oh, and the two sex kittens in the linen closet...can't forget about that. I really wish McDreamy would tell Miranda he loves her and leave his cheating wife!!!!!!! Arggggghhhhhhhh. And how dare she yell at George. George is so sweet and innocent. I can't wait for next week!!

Bachelor Blog

Here is a wonderful blog if you like The Bachelor. Very funny commentary.
Enjoy!!!!!!!
http://thebachelorrecaps.blogspot.com/

Adopt a dog

I have really been wanting to adopt a furry and loyal friend. I have been looking online at various dog rescue sites and local shelters. I have some favorite types of dogs but not sure how it would be to own one. I am also unsure of health problems that some of these shelter and adopted pets would bring along with them, but at the same time, some of these animals need just as much love as any human being. I went to Paws on Parade at PetSmart last weekend, and my heart just sank for all the lonely and homeless puppies and dogs. I almost feel guilty and selfish for wanting a full breed and fully healthy dog. These are some breeds of dog I am thinking of purchasing: Brussel Griffon, bulldog, rottweiller, golden retriever, maltese, yorkshire terrier. All are really cute when they are little and normally grow up to be pretty good looking dogs. Does anyone have any suggestions or tips on any of these dogs? I would love all the dog advice I can get. Here are just a couple of sites I have checked out.
http://www.1-800-save-a-pet.com/shelterpages/70397.html -Edmond Shelter
http://www.sgrr.org/ Oklahoma Golden Retriever Rescue
http://muttcats.com/shelters/oklahoma.htm Hurricane Katrina Relief