Monday, April 03, 2006

What weekend?

You know that feeling when you leave work on a Friday afternoon and you actually somewhat dread the weekend ahead of you???? Not because of what is planned but because of everything that is planned.

I left work on Friday feeling incredibly overwhelmed and exhausted. I had a horrible day and week and realized how unhappy I am with my job....then I remembered: My roommate has two houseguests from France staying with us, it is my roommates birthday, I have a friend who is in town for the weekend whom I have not seen in months ( and truly miss), a boyfriend who wants to spend time with his friends and not mine (even though mine are only in town for the weekend and his live here), a bike rally/poker run my boyfriend wishes to participate, another friend's birthday, homework, papers, and studying and emotional outlet time...there is just not enough time for all.

I feel horrible because I don't feel like I was living every moment. There were so many great things going on this weekend, but the idea of getting to the next thing made me not fully enjoy the now...I can't stand it when I do this. I didn't get to see Tiffany from Austin and I do not know when she will be back, I enjoyed dinner with Bridget and friends but wished I could have stayed out later, and the poker run was fun but I was so tired and worried about the homework I had to do that day.
I did not get to hang out Friday with Marlene, Laurine, Bridget, Tiffany, Mandy, etc. like I had planned and wanted and ended up crying myself to sleep (alone) for other reasons. I woke up angry Saturday and forced myself to get up and shop for Bridget's birthday, which made me feel a lot better. I also got to make up some time with Bridget (on her birthday), Marlene, and Laurine with breakfast and some group girl shopping. I feel really guilty about that evening because, while at Makers, I did not get to conversate and catch up with an old friend like I had planned and wanted becuase I dedicated in pleasing the birthday girl and boyfriend. and on top of all this, I never even called the other friend to wish him a happy birthday. And, I never did any homework, writing or studying. Also, I knew that another friend that I love dearly, was neglected by me. She was alone this weekend, missing her husband, and I never once got around to calling or going over to check up on her.

I feel as if I have been a bad friend and person for all the little things that I did not accomplish. What is the point of getting to big things if the little things are forgotten; a simple happy birthday to Michael, a little how are you doing to Yukino, a few minutes of catching up with Tiffany while she is sitting in front of me, a few minutes of visiting with friends down the street with Mikey instead of feeling sorry for myself, and leaving Bridget early on her birthday in order to get to bed because I know I have to get up early in the morning????

I feel like such a jerk and I apologize to those I have neglected in my selfish rush for seemingly bigger things.

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