Thursday, October 30, 2008

I AM....

An absolute social retard. Please don't be offended by my use of "retard"'s nothing personal.

There are a few particular instances that prove my social retardedness.

Scene 1: I'm coming back to work from lunch. Just minding my own business, I am walking to the elevator. Of course, Hot IT Nerd is walking in my direction toward the elevator from the other entrance of the building. He is pushing some dolly thingy, I am sure he has been moving Hot IT Nerd computer equipment around. He pushes the dolly toward me and asks, "Hey, do you want a ride?" I am sure that I am bright red in the face...and of course I go absolutely mute. All I can do is smile and let out a retarded school girl giggle. In my mind I am thinking..."That's what she said" and "You betcha, you Hot IT Nerd, you." sigh.

Scene 2: We are finally in the elevator. There is another IT person with him and it is the three of us going up to our floor. Of course, I find a way to huddle in the corner of the elevator and try to pretend that I don't exist. The two of them are standing pretty close by for some reason. Hot IT Nerd says, "I am so ready for the weekend." Keep in mind that I am competely aware that this is an opportune moment ask, "Oh, do you have big plans?" or "What are you going to do?" or "Has it been a tough week, do I need to give you a massage?" But, no. Again, I go mute. I just smile and nod. He looks to other IT person for conversation after he realizes I am socially retarded. Sigh.

Scene 3: A Monday morning. I walk into my building toward the elevator. Who is standing at the elevator, of course? Hot IT Nerd. My palms start pouring sweat. He says, "Good Morning." I manage somehow to return the gesture. Thank goodness. We get on the elevator and he asks, "Did you have a good weekend?" I manage to stutter, "yes." He asks, "Did you do anything exciting?" I stutter, "No." He asks, "Did you watch the game?" Again, I stutter, "No." And to make my conversational skills even more enticing, I manage to sputter out, "I just cleaned my house." Note: I am a total loser at this point...and it gets worse. As we get off the elevator and walk into our office area, he asks, "That's all? You just cleaned?" and of course, my social retard skills come to play and say, "Yeah, I have no life." OMG!!! Shoot me in the mouth, please! Not only did I make myself out to be a complete boring loser, but I never asked if he did anything exciting over the weekend. He probably thinks I am soooo rude...and strange.

Scene 4: It's a Thursday night. It has been a few weeks since above mentioned Scene 3. I am praying that all is forgotten. I overheard earlier in the day Hot IT Nerd saying he was taking the next day off. My heart was totally broken. I wouldn't be able to sneak peaks at him everytime he walks by my cubicle. As I gather up my things, I leave for the day completely bummed out that I won't be graced with his presence the next day. Again, I am waiting at the elevator. It is taking forever! Longer than normal. I am getting impatient. I hear someone coming. Guess who turns the corner? Of course, Hot IT Nerd.

My palms are instantly drenched in sweat. My mind is racing. I have to say something to redeem myself from scenes 1-3. I HAVE TO! I remember that he is taking time off. Ding. That's it! I should ask if he is going to do anything exciting. Oh, gosh. He's smiling at me. I've lost my train of thought. I smile back. I open my mouth. Nothing comes out. Dang it! Why won't anything come out??!!! I make a noise. What the heck was that? Was that me attempting to talk? I think I attempted to say, "I heard..." but everything I was thinking came out in one big ball of social retard mush. He gives me a funny look. Oh, gosh. He heard it??!! He smirks and tries not to laugh, and says, "What?" I mentally re-charge myself. Get a grip! I tell myself. I say, "I heard you are taking some time off. Are you doing anything special?" YES!! I did it! I said a sentence and I asked about him!!! YES!!!!!

Of course, I am thinking, he is probably going to go somewhere cool and exciting and romantic with his supposed perfect girlfriend (note: we do not know if he has a girlfriend, I recently found out that he is NOT engaged! YES!) Or he is going to hang around and not do much, just be away from work and the social retard that is me. No. He proves his perfect existence is really just that....perfect. You know what he is taking time off for??? To help his grandparents move! That's it. I'm officially smitten. Not that I wasn't before. He becomes Mr. Chatty Cathy and tells me all about where his GP's live and why they are moving. Details. I got details. It was so nice. As we get off the elevator, he is still talking. We park on opposite sides of our building. As he is talking, what am I doing? I totally have to prove my social retardedness. Rather than stand there and keep our conversation going, I start to slowly inch my way the opposite direction!!! What the hell? Since I have recovered from my muteness, my body has to get a mind of it's own??!! Seriously. I can't believe it. He obviously notices that I am inching away. He gets the point. I say, "Well, have a good time off." Like that really makes any sense. And we go our seperate ways. I kick myself in the ass on my way out the door because I totally deserve it.

Scene 5: Lunch time. Hot IT Nerd rarely takes a lunch. He normally heats up his leftovers that he cooked the night before...( I have learned that he is apparently a really good cook. Yes, I am telling you, he is absolutely friggin perfect.) In order to get from his cubicle to the fridge and microwave, he has to walk by my cubicle. I normally try to work my lunch around his so that I can be here for this. Yes, I am a loser. I look forward to this lunch moment that we get to pass a look and a smile. This particular lunch time, I am actually working hard. I have a deadline. I am completely zoned out. I guess it is obvious, because I didn't notice Hot IT Nerd walking my way back to his cubicle. As he walks by, and for some reason I am not noticing, he leans in closer to my area and says, "Don't work so hard." I am totally caught off guard. I am startled. I look up and say with absolute eloquence, "huh?" He laughs. He stops and stands there and he repeats, "You shouldn't work so hard." My palms instantly start pouring sweat as usual. My mind is racing. My heart is fluttering. He is obviously wanting to maybe chit chat a bit. All I can manage to get is a giggle and a "yeah" and a smile. Then I look directly back at my work and scold myself in my head for the rest of the day about how socially retarded I am.

Scene 6: Yesterday. I get an e-mail informing me I have to do some hi-tech IT crap to my computer...that I obviously do not understand whatsoever. Light bulb! I instantly forward the mail to Hot IT Nerd and ask if I really have to this hi-tech IT crap to my computer. He replies instantly, with "I'll take care of it." Be still my heart. My Hot IT Nerd will save me from the hi-tech IT crap and sweep me off my socially retarded two left feet. He's at my desk in a jiff...and might I add...he seems somewhat eager. But, I have convinced myself that he loves saving anyone from hi-tech IT crap and proving his higher intelligence and perfection to everyone...not just me. He is at my desk. He is being my chivalrous IT hero. I LEAVE! What the heck? I go over to someone else's cubicle and talk. There is seriously something wrong with me. Of course, Hot IT Nerd fixes my computer issues very quickly. He comes over to where I am at and explains to me what he did and what I need to do from this point. I must have obviously looked totally dumbfounded, since I was pondering what is seriously wrong with me, because after he is done with his hi-tech speech he laughs and says, "Don't worry. If you need me, I'll be right over there. Just come get me." My heart if fluttering. My palms are drenched. He is perfect.

Of course I can't figure out what the hell he was talking about when I get back to my computer and nor do I want to. I would much rather him come back to my cubicle and stay here forever and ever. Without me asking, he comes out of nowhere. He is standing behind my chair and asks if I figured it out. He really is my night and shining IT nerd. As he stands over me trying to show me hi-tech IT crap on my computer, I am totally in a daze. I am not paying attention to anything he is really saying. I am mesmerized by how close he is to me. He has a bit of a five o'clock shadow going on. His ears are bright red. Why are his ears bright red? This is what I focus on. I don't know how I look or how obvious my gauking is, but I notice the girls I work with are all laughing (they know I have a crush on Hot IT Nerd). They of course think it is hilarious. I am completely incapable of responding to anything he is saying other than a "uh huh" and a nod. That's it. Nothing else. And then he was gone.

So there you go. I am sure there will be many more scenes and proof of my social retardedness because I think the big guy upstairs is using me for his entertainment. Think about it. I never run into the same person at the elevator as often as I do Hot IT Nerd. Coincidence? Or a big joke someone is playing on me?

Keep on Keepin on.


Bree. said...

aww you wanna be Mrs Hot IT Nerd.
I will have to say that he can make your heart skip a beat.

jmcqueen82 said...

oh wait. this one stole top spot for favorite post. nothing like self-deprecating humor.

BlondeLittleShit said...

Deb! I'm about to shake you silly!! You are not socially retarded...I think that this Hot Nerd man has you that smitten and shook up! Socially retarded people don't know that they are socially retarded and you are fully aware of your awkwardness . Someone just has a major crush!

Janet said...

hahahaha we have one of those in our office, too :-)