Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Beauty

I am lucky. I have always been a believer in following my heart and making decisions big or small even if when I weigh my options, I might have an unpredictable future with the option I feel is the best fit for me at the time. Sometimes I feel like I am a walking contradiction, which leaves me completely lost and wondering who I am...at the same time knowing that this is exactly who I am supposed to be at this moment.

I have always been a carefree planner. I like to dabble and appreciate a little bit of everything, but don't let myself get overly obsessed about anything... with the exception of my dogs. I like to know where I am going, where I might go, and be able to choose if I really want to go or not. Yet, I always feel like I have no idea what I want to be and where I might be when I grow up or even next week.

I recently left a job and started a new career with huge "if's", "and's", and "but's" cloaked all over my horizon. The uncertainties, the new work environment, the new responsibilities, the new insecurities, and the pay cut were all so overwhelming. But, I knew that the career change was the best option at the time and I went with it full speed with blinders on. I had the support of the supposed love of my life.

A month later, the supposed love of my life moved out of the house and out of my life. Leaving me with twice the bills and half the income. In two months, my everyday life was completely changed, completely foreign to what I had known for so long. For the first time in three years, I was lost. Completely lost and feeling pathetically alone. I didn't let it get to me. I still got up everyday and faced my life full speed with blinders on.

I am lucky. I was able to realize my self worth. I am worthy of happiness, success, and love; as is everyone else on this earth. I am not the only one with struggles and tough decisions; so many people feel like their world is crashing around them and that they are drowning in life's obstacles. So many people feel like they will never recover, they will never overcome, they will never get ahead; but they will. It is hard to see the beauty that surrounds you when you will only allow yourself to see with blinders on.

I am lucky. I have a friend who is going through a tough almost break up with her fiancee. She was forced to move out of their nice big house and into a single lonely apartment. As we sat in her apartment with her unpacked boxes surrounding us, she confided that she didn't know what to do. Should her and her fiancee try to work it out? She has been seeing a therapist. She seemed to be putting a lot of blame on herself and telling me all the things her fiancee said were wrong with her. I did not hesitate to ask her strongly and firmly what she wanted. Does she want to work things out with someone that makes her feel so unworthy of his time? Does she truly want to be with him? Is she happy when she is with him? When she talked about their relationship, their relationship seemed to be centered around him and primarily what he wanted or didn't want. She needed to focus on herself now. What did she want? Out of a life mate? Out of life?

These are the questions. What do you want? Are you letting someone else's "wants" overshadow your true happiness? I had realized this during my break-up. I didn't want my ex. I wanted someone, but not him. I had compromised too much. Compromise is good, but don't compromise your greater good. What you want out of your life is very important, and the people who truly love you will support your decisions.

I am lucky. I love my job. I love my work. I love my decisions the past few months. I love me. My desk sits on the fifth floor, overlooking grass, trees, openness and pure beauty. I have my moments of doubt. I have my moments of insecurity. But as I look outside over the horizon today, I can't find my blinders. I just see beauty.

Keep on Keepin on.

1 comment:

BlondeLittleShit said...

Lovely post my dear! Hope all is well.